Life Lessons Learned in 2013 #1

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It’s cold outside.

I’ve decided to head to work early because I get paid by the hour an I have a ski trip to pay for.

But it’s cold outside.

The iPhone says it’s -2 Celsius. That can’t be right. It’s cold, but it’s not that cold. After all, I was able to run down the hall and to the bathroom in my birthday suit and we don’t even have the heating on. It’s early, so the risk of being caught is minimal.

Is it really that cold outside?

Siri asks Yahoo about the weather forecast. Who has used Yahoo for anything other than celebrity gossip and horoscopes since 1999? Does it even have a search function anymore? I know that Apple tries to distance itself from Google and Microsoft, but seriously, Yahoo?

Still.

It does look pretty cold outside.

The thought of having to walk 25 minutes in that temperature terrifies me. I am now accustomed to wearing a warm winter coat, with a woolen jumper underneath, a scarf, leather gloves lined with cashmere and some thermal long johns. But -2 degrees?

It is cold out there.

I can’t possibly walk. I could sleep in? But I am already out of bed.

Huzzah!

I hired a Barclays bike last night! I must still have at least 11 hours to use that baby. And it did cost me a whole two quid for the day. I should really use a bike. I will get to work in a flash!

* * * *

As I race down City Road, the icy chill pierces my face.

Lips cracking.

Eyes weeping.

Balls shriveling.

Tears freezing into jagged icicles.

My gloves and long johns cannot cope. The Cold is too powerful, penetrating my cloth armor to attack my Western Australian skin.

The faster I ride, the more fierce The Cold attacks. But the slower I ride, the longer I must endure.

I endure.

It really is cold out here.

* * * *

I have a thick coat, long johns, gloves and a scarf.

It will take twenty five minutes to walk.

I still have credit to use a Barclays Bike.

IT IS A NEGATIVE TEMPERATURE OUTSIDE.

For the love of humanity, do not ride a bike. Suck it up and do the walk. Or sleep in. Or take a cab, you cheapskate!

But never ride the bike.

#lifelessons2013

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4 thoughts on “Life Lessons Learned in 2013 #1

  1. I’m guessing “take you for a ride” doesn’t have the same meaning in the UK? In the U.S., it’s an idiom for cheating/deceiving someone. Doesn’t seem like a great marketing message for a bank.

    P.S. – That’s not that cold!

      • Oh man, I can’t believe I fell for a Photoshop goof! I’ll chalk it up to (an assumption of) cultural differences. It’s -2*C where I am right now, which sounds terrible. The trick is to put it in Fahrenheit — 25*F is easier to deal with, psychologically.

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